Look, before we get into Ek Villain, let’s be clear about this: no one expects Bollywood to be a not-so-weird place. If you’re a watcher of Bollywood, then you have at some point found yourself trying to not inflict violence upon yourself because the logic of the film has taken painfully surreal turns. Like when background dancers pop out like they’re mosquitoes, ready to swarm around the dancing hero or heroine. Or when Shah Rukh Khan airs his armpits in the Swiss Alps and that, for some reason, turns a perfectly sane woman to jelly.
A still from Ek Villain. IBN Live.
Within this landscape is Ek Villain. It defies every nugget of common sense and logic, but the film is watchable. UnlikeHumshakals, its major competitor, Ek Villain is truly funny.
There is barely a plot, so I’ll try my best to be discreet and succinct about the story. Ek Villain starts with one man bumping off a second man’s girl. Second man spends the entire film trying to take revenge from the first man. You knew this from the trailer, you say? Well, watch it in the theatre and you’ll also get the chance to hear Arijit Singh on Dolby. Think about it.
Now for the important details. Nestled in Ek Villain is a guide to life in general and dating a gangster in particular. Here’s what we gleaned from it:
1. Why should you date a gangster?
Because he looks like Siddharth Malhotra.
Not convinced? Just glance over the men in your Facebook friend-list and then imagine them doing what Malhotra does in the film, which is the following. Staring. And staring. Screaming. Kicking. Back to staring.
In low light. With the sun on his face. With a black eye. Or a powdered forehead. From behind walls. Or car windshields.
At butterflies. Grass. Girl. Murderer. Police. Corpse. Air.
He doesn’t flinch. Even when he is looking at uncle Remo trying to tell the world he is really, truly a gangster and not wearing a Halloween outfit in June.
Such uninterrupted gorgeousness. The deep panic of spotting KRK without a gag onscreen too can’t distract you enough.
This is why you should date a gangster.
2. Gangsters have a high irritation threshold.
You may be more irritating that the entire Kardashian family and Bigg Boss put together, but your gangster boyfriend won’t run away.
Shraddha Kapoor plays a girl called Aisha and she’s the kind to put one Paulo Coelho quote as her cover picture on Facebook every day. Or mass tag people on pictures of the rising sun, marigolds, kittens and drooling babies.
Aisha spots a man (Malhotra) hung upside down in the police lock-up and being beaten up. Does she run out of fear or disgust? No. She smiles like she is in an energy drink commercial and decides to go after said man. We should blame the man in question’s spectacular shoulders for this decision, but according to Suri, that isn’t the motivation. Aisha is a nice person.
Aside from the fact that she falls in love with a gangster, how do we know she’s nice? Because she wants to match-make old terminally-ill people, and she talks to to Ganesha idols. She also wants to “fly like a wind”. Don’t be a snob. Nice people don’t fret over evil details like English grammar.
3. When you have a gangster boyfriend, the world becomes magical.
Forget the tourist brochures and the travel guides. The Goa in Ek Villain is a place where butterflies flit around waterfalls. Here there are dancing peacocks, fluorescent algae that lights up a beach, and — wait for it — heat resistant artificial snow. Chances are, if you prayed hard enough, you could possibly catch a game of Quidditch and find Hogwarts tucked somewhere in this Goa.
The magic extends to Mumbai, which apparently has skywalks that are absolutely dust, grime and paan-stain free as well as suburban brothels that look like they’re part of the Moulin Rouge set.
4. With villains, seasons are a state of mind
In real life, wearing a blazer in Goa in summer is likely to cause prickly heat, heat-induced lethargy and a general inability to move your limbs beyond picking up a beer mug. However, in Ek Villain, Malhotra virtually lives in a black blazer. It looks wonderful on him so the women of the world shouldn’t complain. However, Malhotra also kicks, fights, shoots, sleeps, weeps and does every gangster-like thing in that blazer, in a Mumbai summer. It’s enough to make you feel itchy and dehydrated on his behalf.
Incidentally, want to know the really scary thing about villainous psychopaths? They’re really well prepared, for inclement weather. You can spot the psychopath in Ek Villainbecause he always carries a raincoat around. Because, you know how it is, being in the killing business in Mumbai and its fickle monsoons. Which psychopath wants to catch a cold after all? Here’s the good news, while it may not make much sense, Mohit Suri’s Ek Villain did convince me that there’s a lot to be said for dating a gangster. You may argue at this point that you don’t want advice from Suri, especially since he thought it was a smart idea to copy the Korean film I Saw The Devil almost scene for scene, but don’t be hasty. After all, the gangster in question is Sidharth Malhotra, one of the few truly good-looking men in Bollywood today, and Ek Villain is potentially one of the funniest films of the year.
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